I never noticed it until recently, but after I got saved when I was sixteen years old, a sudden interest in music developed in me. I can’t tell you how it happened. I don’t even remember how I started singing at our school fellowships, but I just found myself singing and writing songs for Jesus. I must confess, the songs weren’t very good, but I wrote them anyway and sung them with strong conviction.
Somewhere between my eighth grade “I want to be an accountant’ and my tenth grade ‘on fire for Jesus’ self, my desires changed. I became so confident in the gift I now knew God had given me, and even though I had never played an instrument or sung in a choir, I knew I wanted to become a musician.
It makes me sad to say that somewhere between my 11th grade and first-year university self, I decided to study psychology. I was no longer confident about what God could accomplish through my gift. I second guessed every note I sung. I shied away from the call and almost as quickly as the desire for music came to me, it disappeared.
At this point I had decided that I was going to be to be a psychologist, and I had a rigorous plan of action for my goal to be achieved by the time I was twenty-five.
That would mean, in the following six years, I would complete a three-year BA degree with distinction; an Honours degree with distinction and finally, a two-year master’s degree in clinical psychology. Even though I would not have had a job for the duration of my studies, I would have enough capital to start my own practice without any experience or entrepreneurial skills. (insert naïve self here)
In the first two years, everything was going according to plan except,I wasn’t aiming for the distinctions I needed to enroll for an honours degree. I was perfectly content with just meeting the minimum requirements. Mid -way through my third year, my desire for music came back as unanticipated as it did in the past, but this time it was not taking no for an answer. I knew God was reminding me, but it wasn’t just about a dream job I was reminded of. The reminder was about trusting God, especially when His plans for my life were a bit different from mine.
I had a frank conversation with the Holy Spirit about this sudden longing He had placed in my heart. What was I supposed to do with this dream now? I had worked so hard studying to be a psychologist, well…to be honest, I didn’t work that hard. However, so much had been invested into this psychology gig. So much time and money. Hundreds and thousands of rands spent on my education, and now I wanted to be a musician again. Really?
Why have you burdened me with this desire?
His answer was simple; One day when the Lord returns, you will have to account for the talents He has given you. Will you be found faithful?
Even though I wanted to say the opposite, the honest answer was ‘no’. I would not have been found faithful. I compared the standard of the life I was living to the standard that God had clearly set out in His word, and it was lacking. My boyfriend at the time. Some of my friends. My career ambitions. None of it was reflecting God or His purpose for my life.
So why was I holding onto to it? I think I valued my own effort more than I did the grace God offered to enable me to complete His will. I chose the temporary over the eternal, and it took me three years to realise my own self-centeredness.
I left that relationship. I deliberately drifted away from friends I knew were not good for me. I left psychology and pursued music.
I will leave it to your imagination how the conversation played out between my parents and I, when I told them I was letting go of the career they had invested so much money into to pursue a career in music. It was difficult. It still is sometimes. However, I know that someday we will all have to stand before the Lord and I wonder if He will say, “well done good and faithful servant.”, or after everything we have worked so hard to accomplish will He say, “I never knew you”?
I pray He says the former.
Only you know what God has put in your heart to do. Do it with all your might. Cast out fear and walk in the goodness of the Lord. Our Father in heaven, will never send you where His grace cannot sustain you. He will never leave you or forsake you. He is faithful to complete the good work He has started in you.
Trust Him.
Trust Him with all your heart.